


Try Again

by UpsideDownCats



Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bullying, Child Abuse, Emotional Baggage, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Period-Typical Racism, Physical Abuse, Racism, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:55:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26272219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UpsideDownCats/pseuds/UpsideDownCats
Summary: Alastair attempts suicide after Matthew reveals what happened with his sister, but he tries again.
Relationships: Alastair Carstairs & Cordelia Carstairs, Alastair Carstairs & Thomas Lightwood, Alastair Carstairs/Thomas Lightwood
Comments: 7
Kudos: 124





	1. Chapter 1

It was a beautiful night, with the stars glittering brightly, and although Thomas loved stargazing- something he’d been introduced to in Madrid- he couldn’t fathom trying to do it now. Matthew’s words were still echoing in his head, no matter how hard he tried to push them out.

After he had said it, _I killed my sister_ , Matthew had immediately turned and ran, James hot on his heels. Alastair had stared for another moment, shaking, before running in the opposite direction. Cordelia had stumbled away, Lucie following her, and Thomas had collapsed on the sidewalk, Christopher sitting beside him and putting a hand on his arm.

“Are you okay? I know how you feel about Alastair, and-”

“What? How I feel about Alastair? What do you mean?”

Christopher blinked. “I thought- Don’t you- Never mind. Come on, let’s go find Matthew.”

“He’ll be long gone by now.” Thomas was still trying to process what had happened to Matthew, and didn’t understand what Christopher had said about Alastair, but right now, he wasn’t the most important. He could sort out his feelings later. Matthew needed him. “We should wait for him at the institute.”

After a nod, Christopher took his hand to help him up, and Thomas tried to hide his surprise. The other Merry Thieves used to do that all the time, but none of them had since Spain. Since his growth spurt. Since everyone assumed that he didn’t need help anymore. Since they had expected him to support them.

Shaking his head, Thomas started towards the institute. _Not the time, Thomas. Matthew’s more important._

Reaching the institute, they immediately heard the sounds of sobbing, and, when they followed the noise, they saw Cordelia, being held by Lucie, crying in front of the infirmary.

“What’s going on?”

Looking up, Lucie shook her head a tiny bit. “Both of you, go home. I can handle this, it’ll be-”

The pounding of footsteps announced the arrival of James and Matthew as they ran into the room. “Is it true?” Matthew looked horrified.

“Is what true?” Thomas hated not knowing things. He just wanted someone to explain what was going on.

Cordelia whimpered a little and turned to Lucie, who said, “Alastair tried to kill himself." 

Thomas gaped at her. _What? Why?_

"Daisy found him in time. Jem- the Silent Brothers say he’ll be okay, but he probably won’t wake up until tomorrow."

Matthew turned and ran for the second time that day, and James followed him again. After a glance at Thomas, Christopher did too.

Turning, Thomas started to walk after them, when Cordelia called after him.

"Thomas. Alastair wrote a few letters before he did it. To me and our mother. And you."

Surprised, Thomas took the letter from her and opened it. Why had Alastair written _him_ a letter?

_Thomas,_

_You probably hate me now even more than you did, and I don't blame you. I hate me too. But I wanted you to know something._

_I'm in love with you. Have been for a very long time. I think I realized in Paris, but I only accepted it recently. You are welcome to close this letter right now and set it on fire. But I wanted to explain a few things to you._

Thomas tore his gaze away from the paper to stare at Lucie and Cordelia. They weren't looking at him, instead talking quietly, Lucie in soothing tones and Cordelia in between sobs.

Glancing back at the letter, Thomas decided to go to another room to finish it. It seemed too personal to read in front of them.

_I didn't see the point of telling you these things at first- after all, nothing can excuse my actions. But about a week ago, I went to see yours and Fairchild's parents. I asked them not to tell anyone what I said, but I'll tell you. Why not? It is not as if you can talk to me about it after you've read this. And I won't have to see your pity, or anger, or horror, or whatever your feelings are after reading this._

_In summary, my father is an alcoholic, and Cordelia never knew until a few months ago. I took care of him most of the time because I didn't want my mother to have to go through what he did to me when he was drunk. By which I mean, for the most part, beating me. And telling me terrible things as well, but mostly I didn't want to see her hurt. And I definitely didn't want to see Cordelia hurt either. Or for her relationship with her father to be ruined. I wanted her to have the childhood I never did. I didn’t want her to have to grow up as fast as I did. She deserved to be a kid for as long as possible._

_I’ve been treated badly by other people because of my race. By the time I got to the Academy, I knew the drill. You either bully others or others bully you. And I didn’t want to go through all that pain again. Turns out, bullying others causes as much pain as being bullied._

_Your parents are wonderful, you know. Gideon talked to me about his father, and how he was horrible as a child before he realized his mistakes. I don’t think that was the same for me, though. I always knew what I was doing was hurting others and myself. But I survived because of how I acted, and I’ve always done what I needed to survive._

_The reason I repeated the rumor to Matthew was mainly for two reasons: I was jealous of him, and I wanted him to feel the way I felt. Which was a horrible thing to do, I know that. I regretted it as soon as I said it. But I was jealous because of how he looked and his relationship with his parents. He was everything I wanted to be. And, of course, the things he said to me weren't as bad as what I said to him, but he still targeted me because of my race. And I hated that. Eventually, I snapped. And it ruined his life. I turned him into my father. I did that. And I couldn’t live with that knowledge._

_I know you hate me. But I wanted to tell you these things, so that, maybe, you can understand. And now that you know these things, I wanted to ask you to watch over my mother and sister. You don’t have to, of course. I doubt you want to. But I don’t trust anyone else to do it, so I’m asking you. Just, please, do it for them, not for me. They deserve someone to protect them, and I can’t do it anymore. I know it’s terribly selfish for me to stop caring for them and asking you to do it instead, but I don’t deserve to live, and they do. So do what you want, but please at least consider my request._

_I know you will feel sympathy for me, because you are a good person. But please, do not feel bad for me. Feel bad for Cordelia and my mother. Not me. Hopefully this will be better than life, but really, who knows? All I can do is hope. And if it is worse, at least I know I deserve it. But I believe it will be far worse for them then for me._

_I know what I’m doing is selfish, which is why I have delayed it for so long, as well as the fact that Cordelia would find out about our father. But she knows now- another thing that’s my fault- and maybe she will be able to protect herself._

_I’m sorry that I am burdening you with this, but I hope that you can understand why I told you these things. You’re a good person. And I hope that you do not feel guilty. Guilt and shame are horrible things, and I don’t want anyone, especially you, to feel them._

_I love you, and I hope that someday you can forgive me for what I’ve done._

_-Alastair_


	2. Chapter 2

Alastair woke up gradually. He could feel hands on his arms, which drew his attention to his wrists. His wrists that _hurt_. And that was what told him that he was alive, and that what happened last night was real. He'd tried to kill himself once before, but he hadn't known how, so he had survived easily. This time, he thought he had done it. But apparently it hadn't been enough. He hadn't succeeded.

Groaning at that realization, he opened his eyes and saw his cousin Jem. Who Alastair had pushed away, because he pushed everyone away, but mostly because his father had pushed him away first. The Silent Brothers were perceptive, and Elias didn't want to risk anyone finding out his secret.

Jem laid a comforting hand on Alastair's shoulder, and he didn't even bother to snap at him or push him off. _You are alive. Do you remember what happened?_

"I cut my wrists. And- lived?"

_Yes. Cordelia found you and we were able to save you._

Alastair let out a gasp and tried to sit up, but the pain made him wince and sink back into his bed. "She found me? Where is she?"

"I'm right here, Alastair _dadash_. I'm here."

"I'm sorry," he choked out. "I'm so sorry, I didn't want you to see that. I-"

Layla sat down on the chair next to his bed and wrapped an arm around him. The three of them were in the infirmary, and Cordelia said, "Don't blame yourself. I am glad I found you. I know that you are not, but perhaps- perhaps someday you will be."

He sighed. _Why did it have to be her?_ "Wait- my letters. Did you see them?"

"I did. And I gave them to _Maman_ and Thomas."

"Oh, no no no." Alastair tried to sit up again, and this time, he moved through the pain. Jem tried to get him to lay back down, but he waved his cousin off.

"I'm sorry," Cordelia said. " I didn't realize you wouldn't- I thought you would want me to-"

Taking a deep breath, Alastair shook his head. "It's not your fault. If I had- Maybe if I hadn't written them, I would have done it sooner, and you wouldn't have found me, and then-"

"And then you would be dead. And, Alastair, I know you had made peace with that, that you thought it was your only option," she pointed to a piece of paper on the table next to him. The letter he had written to her, Alastair assumed. "But _dadash_ , please, let me try to help."

He shook his head firmly. "You have enough to deal with. I don't want to-"

"Alastair, you are my brother and I want to help you. Anything that could lessen your pain- I want to do it. I love you."

"There's nothing you can do. I just have to face the consequences of my actions."

"And those consequences include hating yourself for the rest of your life? Hurting yourself? You were fifteen, Alastair, and you did what you thought was best. Don't let the things you did as a child do this to you for the rest of your life."

"I deserve it. Please, just-"

"No, you don't. No one _deserves_ this kind of pain. Just because you feel you are horrible doesn't mean you are."

Out of the corner of his eye, Alastair saw Jem leave the room, so he said, "Layla, I cannot live with myself knowing what I did. I know trying was selfish, and that I hurt you, but I couldn't do it. I've tried for so long to keep going. And that was the final straw. I knew it was selfish, but I- I did it anyway. I'm sorry."

Cordelia adjusted herself so that she was leaning on the bed, her arm still around Alastair, and moved his head slightly to make him more comfortable. With a jolt, he realized that she was comforting him, instead of the other way around, as it usually was. He tried to move, to apologize, but his sister shook her head.

"Let me help you, please. And it was not selfish to try to kill yourself. You did what you thought was best. I don't blame you, and neither does _Maman_. We love you, and we aren't upset, I promise." After a pause, she added, "I'm sorry I gave your letter to Thomas. But he doesn't blame you either. He was here all night. When you started to wake up, Jem told him he had to leave."

Alastair tried to process her words. Thomas had been there all night? Why? He knew that he would be angry when he read the letter, but staying all night to yell at him for it didn't seem like him. Of course, he had told him that he was in love with him right after Matthew had revealed what had happened with his sister, which was definitely unfair of Alastair. That must be why he would wait that long.

Finally, he said, "So what happened while I was out?"

Cordelia gave a half shrug. "Not much. It's the early afternoon now. Sophie insisted on bringing _Maman_ home, so that's where they are now. She and Gideon came a few hours ago, and Gideon stayed- I think he's outside with Thomas now. Lucie was with me most of the night but her parents said she needed to sleep. I haven't seen anyone else."

"Who- who all knows?" Alastair was very worried about what Gideon and Thomas were talking about. Thomas know everything he had told Gideon now- _stupid, stupid, why did I write that letter_ \- and he had told him and Sophie that he was in love with someone, although he hadn't specified who. But did it really matter? A large part of him didn't care what people knew now. An even larger part, however, was worried about everyone in the enclave knowing what he'd done.

"Gideon and Sophie, the Merry Thieves, Tessa and Will, Jem, Lucie, our family-excluding Father- and possibly a few others, although I think everyone would be smart enough to not tell people what happened."

Alastair didn't want to ask the next question, but he forced himself to. "What about Fairchild?"

Biting her lip, Cordelia said, "He left just after he heard. I think James and Christopher are still looking for him."

Before Alastair could respond, Jem came back into the room. _I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need to tell you a few things. I'll be back tomorrow to check on you, but your wrists will be hurting for several days. You cannot go on patrol for now, and don't do any vigorous exercise for at least a week. You may get out of bed, but if you feel dizzy, lay back down. Cordelia, I trust you can make sure he follows those rules?_ After she nodded, Jem said, _Then I will leave you for now. Let me know if anything changes, or if you need more help. I told Tessa how to change your bandages, and she will be in soon._

He moved to go, but paused at the door. _And Alastair? Try to go on. You never know what will come next._ And with that cryptic advice, he walked out.


End file.
